i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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