You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
