Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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