Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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