So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
