Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
