God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
