i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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