I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
