Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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