I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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