mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
