i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
