I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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