I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
