My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
