To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
