I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
