her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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