My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
