marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
