i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
