Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
