do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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