have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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