I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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