Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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