I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
