remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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