My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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