im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
