dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
