you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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