She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
