I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She told me I should be a condom model.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
