Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
