you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
