i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
