I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
