Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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