My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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