Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
