Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
