I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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