Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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