so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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