I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
party gras won. party gras always wins.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
