Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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