It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My liver just had a heart attack.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
