dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
