Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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